The Difficulty of Defining Manhood

A few weeks ago I asked a few guys in my circle what they think it means to be a man. Define manhood, I asked. What does it mean? You may guess what happened. Almost no one knew how to answer the question right away. In fact, only a few were ever successful. Some never even responded. I said “you may guess what happened” earlier because I believe there are many men who struggle with that question the same way. Maybe even you.

The guys that I asked are not weak men. To my knowledge, not all are Christians, but all are guys that I consider good men. Some were young – the youngest was 20, I believe. Others were older. Young or old, married or single, Christian or not, the common theme among them was they found it difficult to articulate what it means to be a man.

Why is that?

Being a man in todays culture is a confusing responsibility. Nature tells us that we are made to protect, lead, and defend. We can feel it. Even as young boys we feel it. The rub is that there are clear signs coming from society that men should suppress those feelings. We need to be gentler, softer, more in touch with our feelings. Culture affectionately calls it “soft manhood”.

I fully agree that men should be connected emotionally and that our actions should not negatively impact those around us in our effort to be “manly”. Tough talk, a lack of emotion, sleeping around, and using power to gain advantage over others does not define a good man. These characteristics describe a man who lacks confidence, trying to prove something to the rest of the boys on the playground. “Toxic manhood” is how culture defines it.

Where do we find the balance? If the soft manhood that culture promotes calls for suppressing our God-given desire to live strong, bold, and confident, and the toxic manhood idea represents a style that uses power inappropriately to gain advantage over others, how does the Christian man use his strength and power in a way that honors others and God?

Let’s look at the example of Boaz found in the Book of Ruth in the Old Testament. Boaz was a wealthy, well-known man in his community who had land and employees. He was a businessman. He had power. The other main character in the story, Ruth, was a widow and daughter-in-law of Naomi, a relative of Boaz. For the sake of time, I’ll skip the backstory. Just know that when Ruth and Naomi came to town, they came with nothing. They were two women on their own with no means to survive.

To get food, Ruth went to the fields when wheat was being gathered and pick up any extras that were left behind. One day, Boaz saw Ruth in the field and asked his workers who she was. After finding out, he invited her to eat lunch with them and encouraged her to only get wheat from his fields so he and his workers could keep her safe. He gives her enough food to take home and feed both her and Naomi.

To shorten the story a bit more, Ruth and Boaz end up married. Don’t judge too quickly, though, that was not Boaz’s goal. He didn’t help Ruth with a underlying motive. He wasn’t “giving to get”. He didn’t ask for anything in return for his generosity and protection. He helped because he was honorable and used his power and finances to protect and care for those in need.

You know what? Take a few minutes to read the Book of Ruth. It will only take a few minutes.

Through Boaz’s example, we find it’s ok for a man to be very successful You can be powerful You can have a company and have people working for you. And, you can do all of these things without being a jerk. When we use our power and possessions to the benefit of those around us, we show the world that not all strong men are toxic and we show men around us that they can step up, as well.

By being an intentional man in this area, we help define a part manhood that is confusing for a lot of young men out there today.