It’s Also What We Don’t Say: “I Love You”

We talk a lot about the importance of a man’s words and the powerful effect of them. It’s true that a father’s words can set his child up for success or failure. They can instill a sense of self-confidence or seed a lifetime of feeling inadequate. His words can be the very difference between a daughter refusing or accepting a boyfriend’s sexual advance or a son graduating from or quitting school. They are of extreme importance, a man’s words. What we don’t talk about as much, however, is the importance of what he doesn’t say.

I love you. Some men have a hard time with this phrase. Really hard. While it seems simple to some, it is a mountain of a challenge for others. Running through fire over broken glass would be a preferred alternative. There are various reasons that men may struggle here: some are raised not to show emotion, some never heard the words themselves, and others aren’t sure how to articulate their feelings. Whatever the reason, saying “I love you” to a child or anyone else is off the table.

Some men believe that showing their love makes up for not verbalizing it. They work hard. They provide a safe home. The bills are paid. There was even a family vacation. The problem with this method is that it feels empty. We are wired to respond to the words of another. When we hear “I love you”, we feel included in that person’s life. We feel important to them. We feel wanted and valued. When looking at the previous “actions-only” method, those same feelings are not produced. Mere actions can be interpreted as duties or responsibilities and taking care of responsibilities doesn’t require love, just commitment. At the end of the day, most of us want to be loved, not just tended to.

So, guys we need to say it. If you are one of the men who find it difficult, take small steps. Try writing the words on a sticky note and leaving it for your son, daughter, or wife. Make sure they can find it, though. Hiding it behind a dresser or on top of the fridge isn’t the best idea. Then, grow from there. If things are weird at first, don’t give up. It may seem strange for them, too. Don’t be surprised if they ask if you’ve gotten some bad news from the doctor. But, keep at it. Your kids and wife need to know that you love them – that they matter, that you value them, that they are the most important part of you.

Husband, Dad, hearing “I love you” from you can make a lifetime of difference in your family. It helps build confident, well-grounded individuals who know how to love those around them. Knowing that, isn’t it worth the temporary awkward feelings it may cause? Now, go buy some sticky notes.